Thank you K8TOM

1. I bought some shoes from a drug dealer. I don't know what he laced them with, but I've been tripping all day.




2. I told my girlfriend she drew her eyebrows too high. She seemed surprised.




3. What's the difference between in-laws and outlaws?    Outlaws are wanted.




4. I have an EpiPen. My friend gave it to me when he was dying, it seemed very important to him that I have it.




5. My friend says to me: "What rhymes with orange"  I said: "no it doesn't"




6. How many opticians does it take to change a lightbulb?


Is it one or two? One... or two?




7. What do we want?


Low flying airplane noises!


When do we want them?






8. What's orange and sounds like a parrot?


A carrot.




9. So what if I don't know what Armageddon means?   It's not the end of the world.




10. Why did the old man fall in the well?


Because he couldn't see that well.




11. I bought the world's worst thesaurus yesterday. Not only is it terrible, it's terrible.




12. This is my step ladder. I never knew my real ladder.




13. My friend asked me to help him round up his 37 sheep.


I said "40"




14. I've found a job helping a one armed typist do capital letters.


It's shift work.




15. I went bobsleighing the other day- killed 250 bobs.




16. Wife says to her programmer husband, "Go to the store and buy a loaf of bread. If they have eggs, buy a dozen."


Husband returns with 12 loaves of bread.




17. Communism jokes aren't funny unless everyone gets them.




18. I couldn't figure out why the baseball kept getting larger. Then it hit me.




19. I've been told I'm condescending.


(that means I talk down to people)




20. Before your criticize someone, walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you do criticize them, you're a mile away and have their shoes.




21. It's hard to explain puns to kleptomaniacs because they always take things literally.




22. Some people think it's romantic to carve their names on trees in the park while on a date.


I'm more worried about why they're bringing a knife on their date.

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